Carry It With You

I had an interesting conversation with my brother over the weekend. He and I agreed at the start of the year to be accountability partners: he holds me accountable for my own goals and I do the same for him. This particular conversation was one in which we were checking on each other’s progress (he reminded me that I had not prepared a post for this week and that I needed to do so). As we spoke about our short-term goals and the small steps we planned on taking this week to reach them, he said something that really caught my attention. You see, my brother has been working on the same project for quite a while now and has yet to complete it. I, personally, know that once this first project is complete, he will feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment and will have gained the confidence to move on to the next one with even greater determination. Looking from the outside, it is clear that there has been something holding him back. Lack of knowledge. Lack of motivation. Not enough time to dedicate to its completion. Something.

            My brother and I did not grow up together, but we have grown to have a great relationship in adulthood. Between him and I, there is no judgment, no pressure, and no competition (that does actually exist between some adult siblings). What we do have is the desire for the other to succeed and a level of understanding that makes the other feel comfortable enough to be open and honest. This makes it easy for us to candidly share our thoughts and feelings.

            As our conversation continued, it eventually led to the status of his project. Without me even having to ask, he volunteered an answer as to why it has not yet been completed: "I’m scared," he admitted.

            We all experience fear. It could be the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of being judged, the fear of getting hurt, fear of change, fear of the unknown, or countless other fears we experience as human beings. But what is fear? Some fears are justified. If one has been bitten by a dog, then it is understandable that he or she may have a fear of being bitten again. No judgment there. But, many of us have irrational fears. Fears that we have created in our minds that have no real reason for being. All of the fears I listed about are fears about what might happen in the future. And what is the future? The future is a period of time that has yet to come! So, how can we be afraid of something that has never even happened yet?? I don’t have an answer for this question, but I do know that the fear of what is to come is common. And, it is not something to be ashamed of. The greatest achievers in history experienced fear. But, they knew that in order to achieve their goals, they had to put the fear aside and take action.

            Think of a group of kids at an amusement park. All of the kids are excited about getting on the biggest and steepest roller coaster in the park. All except for one: one kid is afraid to ride. All of the other kids get in line, buckle up, scream all the way down, and then rave about the drops. The lone kid listens to everyone else talk about their achievement. Now, let’s say that the others are able to persuade the lone kid to ride the roller coaster the second time around. The kid is still afraid and even thinks about getting out of line when the group reaches the front. Instead of doing so, she fearfully buckles herself in the seat and keeps her eyes closed. As the ride begins, she hears the chains moving and asks herself, “Why am I doing this?” The wind blows on her face as the car cranks up the ascent. As they approach the first drop, she has no idea what to expect. Then comes the thrill… that feeling in her stomach that teeters between fear and excitement. When she reaches the bottom of the hill, she is still alive. Knowing what to expect now, she is able to better prepare for the next drop. Since the first hill is the most dramatic, everything else that comes is easier to digest. But, in order to find this out, she had to make it through the first hill.

            

            There are a few things I would like for you to take from this story…

1.  It helps to have positive motivators around you. The scared kid had others around her who encouraged her to face her fears. They even took the ride with her. They didn’t bash her and make her feel insecure about her fear. Not everyone will encourage you. And sometimes you may have to take steps alone. But, it is always comforting to know that someone else believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself 100%. This is what my brother and I provide for one another. I would suggest that you surround yourself with positive, nonjudgmental people who believe in you and believe in themselves.

2. The fear didn’t go away before the little girl boarded the roller coaster. As she buckled in, she felt the fear. As she moved up the tracks, she felt the fear. As she sped down the hill, she felt the fear. The fear was there with her the entire time. But, she completed the ride in spite of the fear being present. She didn’t let it stop her. It is normal to feel fear. But, sometimes you have to carry it with you in order to take action and move forward. Don’t give it the power to keep you stagnant… unless you are content staying on the ground for the rest of your life and watching others enjoy the thrill of the ride.

3.  The first hill was the most difficult to get through. Speaking in terms of physics, the first hill of a roller coaster must always be the tallest. Since roller coasters depend on gravity and momentum to complete the course, the subsequent hills are all a little shorter. Like in life, the first hill of a roller coaster (our first encounter with various circumstances) takes the most energy and introduces us to the unknown. By the time the second hill comes around, we can depend on prior knowledge and experience to make things a little easier. Once the car gets going initially, it allows its own energy and momentum to carry it all the way through to the end.

4. I didn’t say this in the story, but let's assume that she realized how much she enjoyed the ride once the car came to a stop. Maybe she wanted to ride again. Maybe she thought like many of us do after we have faced our fears and overcome an obstacle: “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually pretty cool!” Even if she didn’t enjoy it, she now knows how it feels and will not have to live regretfully thinking about what it would have been like to take the ride.

      It takes knowledge of and acceptance of self, honesty, and a certain degree of comfort to admit fear. What if the little girl had told herself and the others that she couldn’t ride because she had just finished eating? Or because someone needed to stay behind to hold everyone’s stuff? We can always make excuses. But, no solution can come of this.

            Over the weekend, my brother set small goals (with deadlines) for the week to help him move toward completing his project. He will be done soon. And I will be here to encourage him to get moving on the next one.

Here is a short poem for your enjoyment…

Come To The Edge

Come to the edge, He said.

They said: We are afraid.

Come to the edge, He said.

They came. He pushed them,

And they flew…

Written by Christopher Logue. Dedicated to Guillaume Apollinaire