Keep Failing!

I’ve thought about quitting before. I’ve thought about giving up and never making another attempt because things were too hard. I am not the only person who has felt this way. We all hit a wall at some time or another and see no way of getting around it. The wall is too high. It’s too wide. It’s blocking your path and telling you to turn around and walk in the other direction.

Walls, also known as obstacles, can be intimidating. And if you hit one hard enough, the pain you feel from the impact will hurt so badly that you will never want to even get close to one again. Much later after hitting one, you will be traveling down your new path, focused on the destination you have a vision of reaching. And you will see another wall ahead. At its mere sight, you will become fearful. You will remember the pain of your last encounter. The bruises that never quite healed. The scratches you wear as a constant reminder of the fall. You will convince yourself that another, different location will be just as fulfilling as the one on the other side of the wall. And you will turn and walk away.

This is what unsuccessful people do. When an unsuccessful person hits a wall and falls down, she gets up and turns and walks away. More often than not, she runs away and never looks back. Or, he lies there, or props himself up against the wall, and simply gets comfortable where he is. This is how unsuccessful people settle into mediocrity. This is how they become afraid of failing. “If I stay here and stop trying to move forward, then I will never meet anymore walls,” they think.

Now, let’s take a look at how successful people react. There is a well-known quote from Thomas Edison on his invention of the light bulb in which he stated, “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.” Edison, known as the most successful inventor of all times, didn’t quit when he encountered an obstacle. Each time, he became more knowledgeable and figured out what worked and what did not. With every unsuccessful attempt, he got one step closer to success. Did he become frustrated at one time or another? Probably so. Did he take a break and work on something else for a while and come back to the light bulb later? Who know? What we do know is that he kept moving forward.

Unlike an unsuccessful person, Edison did not focus on pain when he hit a wall. He didn’t stop inventing. He didn’t give up on the idea of controlling electricity and light, as we so effortlessly do today. When he hit a wall, he wasn’t being knocked down. Edison was instead knocking the wall down! With each attempt, each obstacle, he weakened the wall until he was finally able to knock it over. Once the wall fell, Edison was able to move forward to the destination he had always envisioned reaching.

            This example might be over a hundred years old, but the concept is still valid today. Kobe Bryant knocked down his own walls to become arguably one of the greatest players to play the game of basketball. Before announcing his retirement this year, Bryant was drafted into the NBA straight from high school, won 5 NBA championships, and also won one MVP award. Additionally, Bryant ranks as the NBA’s #3 all-time top scorer and even scored 81 points in a single game!

            Kobe’s career is one that he likely imagined as a young boy dreaming of being an NBA star basketball player. But, Kobe hit his own walls many times in his 19 years on the court. On his way to become one of the top scorers of all time, Kobe set another record: most missed shots by a single player. This means one thing in particular as it pertains to knocking down walls: when Kobe missed a shot, he shot again. Some players might decide not to shoot again if they miss consecutive shots. They might instead decide to pass the ball out of fear that their next shot might also be off-target. These type of players don’t miss many shots, but they also don’t become MVPs, championship winners, or top scorers.*

            My life coach said something yesterday that stood out to me. I’m not exactly sure where the quote came from, but it was something along the lines of this: Successful people fail more times than unsuccessful people try. This sounds about right, when we think of the two legends we’ve mentioned here. More missed shots than some players ever take. More unsuccessful invention attempts than most inventors ever make. It seems that the best keep going, no matter how many times they hit a wall. 

            Yes, I have thought about quitting before. When things seemed too tough and a wall was obstructed my view of success. But, here I am. And here you are. With me writing this and you reading it, it is clear that we both still have intentions of moving forward towards our own individual greatness. And there is nothing like the determination to break down walls! So, when you hit a wall, don’t just lie there or get up and limp away. Hit it again! And again! Eventually, the wall will tumble and you will have a clear view of the destination you have always seen in your mind: success.

*Also on the top 10 list of most missed shots in NBA history: Karl Malone, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Michael Jordan, Dominique Dawkins, Allan Iverson, and Dirk Nowitzki

Where Are You Going?

Imagine you are sitting on a bench against the wall inside your local bus station. As you watch men and women board and pay their fare, you look at your cell phone to check the time. Your screen lights up. It’s 7:05am. Your bus is late. You are sure that you arrived early enough, even before the workday rush began (which has since subsided). So, you continue to sit, thinking your bus will surely come soon. But, minutes become hours as you wait impatiently.

Finally, after growing frustrated, believing that all others have reached their destinations and you have not, you decide to go to the counter. The customer service rep greets you with a sincere smile that tells you she is happy to be of assistance. “How may I help you?” “Yes ma’am,” you respond. “What time will my bus be arriving?” At this point, your frustration is beginning to show. Clearly, the wait is affecting you. She responds with a question of her own: “What bus are you waiting for?” Upon hearing this question, you stop. And, you ponder. “What bus am I waiting for,” you begin to wonder.  With no answer to this question, you say, “I am not sure.” “Well, where are you going?” the customer service rep asks. You stop again. Once more, you are faced with a question for which you don’t have an answer. “I am not sure.” You've always simply thought that you were supposed to keep moving forward to… somewhere.
            Confusion sets in on the face of the young lady. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know how I can help you if you don’t know what bus to take or where you are going.” She waits for your response. Becoming even more frustrated, you say to her, “Look! I should have been there by now! But, my bus hasn’t shown up yet! Can you just tell me how to get there?” At this point, she is probably thinking you are in need of medical attention. Instead of trying to assist you any further, she goes to get the transit security officer. When you see the officer approaching, you walk away and board the closest bus in the station.

Sounds insane, huh? Well, of course it does! How can you expect to get where you are going if you don’t know the destination? And, how can you possibly expect someone else to help you get there? As strange as this might seem, people do this everyday. Some of us hear the saying/scripture, “Ask and you shall receive,” and believe that we can ask for something vague, like success, and wait around for it to happen. We expect God/the universe/the law of attraction (or whatever you may believe in) to interpret our request and fill the order with little or no specifics or effort on our parts. When God or the universe or the law of attraction tries to help, we become frustrated when our requests and desires are not answered as we believe they should be.
           You may even feel this way yourself. You may not know exactly where you would like to be in life; all you know is that, at this point in your journey, you should be there already. “Others have reached success. Why haven’t I?” You can’t seem to figure out why you have not yet gotten there yourself. But, before we can get there, there are a few things we must do, including defining what success looks like to us.

First, we must decide where we are going before we can get there. What do we want out of life? What is it, exactly, that will make us happy? What is it that will give us that feeling of success and fulfillment? These are all questions we must answer before we start the journey. Otherwise, we end up wandering aimlessly on a random bus to anywhere but here.

Second, we must make a plan with a tentative schedule. This is how we set goals. In order to set a true goal, we must have a predetermined destination and a specific time of arrival. Just like a bus, we must have a route. How do we plan on getting there? How do we know when to get off the bus, meaning how will we know when we have arrived? Asking ourselves these questions will help us create an attainable goal.

Third, we must take action and not wait around for some unknown miracle to happen in our lives. We must decide what fare we are willing to pay (sacrifices to be made, actions to be taken) in order to reach our goal. Even if we know the destination, we can’t expect to sit in the station and be teleported to where we want to go. Asking Scottie to beam you up won’t work here. This is gonna take action!

Think of how ridiculous the story above sounded as you read it. You may have said to yourself, “This sounds so stupid. It’s not even close to realistic!” Now, take a look at your life. Think about the journey you are on or hope to embark upon soon. Do you know what it is that you want out of life? Do you know what will make you feel successful? Happy? How will you get there? How will you know when you have reached it? What are you willing to give or do to get it? What if you don’t know? Simply saying, “I want to be happy,” or, “I want more money,” is not enough. If I were to give you a five dollar bill, you would have more money than you started with. Would this make you happy? Would this complete your journey to success? Probably not.

Like the lady at the counter, begin to ask the right questions. Ask yourself what your specific goals are for your life (long term and/or short term). Then ask yourself how you plan on reaching these goals. This might take some time for you to mull over, but the answers will help you to get where you are going. The time spent and the effort put forth will give you clarity and confidence. And it will also keep you from sitting around waiting and looking ridiculous!

Carry It With You

I had an interesting conversation with my brother over the weekend. He and I agreed at the start of the year to be accountability partners: he holds me accountable for my own goals and I do the same for him. This particular conversation was one in which we were checking on each other’s progress (he reminded me that I had not prepared a post for this week and that I needed to do so). As we spoke about our short-term goals and the small steps we planned on taking this week to reach them, he said something that really caught my attention. You see, my brother has been working on the same project for quite a while now and has yet to complete it. I, personally, know that once this first project is complete, he will feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment and will have gained the confidence to move on to the next one with even greater determination. Looking from the outside, it is clear that there has been something holding him back. Lack of knowledge. Lack of motivation. Not enough time to dedicate to its completion. Something.

            My brother and I did not grow up together, but we have grown to have a great relationship in adulthood. Between him and I, there is no judgment, no pressure, and no competition (that does actually exist between some adult siblings). What we do have is the desire for the other to succeed and a level of understanding that makes the other feel comfortable enough to be open and honest. This makes it easy for us to candidly share our thoughts and feelings.

            As our conversation continued, it eventually led to the status of his project. Without me even having to ask, he volunteered an answer as to why it has not yet been completed: "I’m scared," he admitted.

            We all experience fear. It could be the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of being judged, the fear of getting hurt, fear of change, fear of the unknown, or countless other fears we experience as human beings. But what is fear? Some fears are justified. If one has been bitten by a dog, then it is understandable that he or she may have a fear of being bitten again. No judgment there. But, many of us have irrational fears. Fears that we have created in our minds that have no real reason for being. All of the fears I listed about are fears about what might happen in the future. And what is the future? The future is a period of time that has yet to come! So, how can we be afraid of something that has never even happened yet?? I don’t have an answer for this question, but I do know that the fear of what is to come is common. And, it is not something to be ashamed of. The greatest achievers in history experienced fear. But, they knew that in order to achieve their goals, they had to put the fear aside and take action.

            Think of a group of kids at an amusement park. All of the kids are excited about getting on the biggest and steepest roller coaster in the park. All except for one: one kid is afraid to ride. All of the other kids get in line, buckle up, scream all the way down, and then rave about the drops. The lone kid listens to everyone else talk about their achievement. Now, let’s say that the others are able to persuade the lone kid to ride the roller coaster the second time around. The kid is still afraid and even thinks about getting out of line when the group reaches the front. Instead of doing so, she fearfully buckles herself in the seat and keeps her eyes closed. As the ride begins, she hears the chains moving and asks herself, “Why am I doing this?” The wind blows on her face as the car cranks up the ascent. As they approach the first drop, she has no idea what to expect. Then comes the thrill… that feeling in her stomach that teeters between fear and excitement. When she reaches the bottom of the hill, she is still alive. Knowing what to expect now, she is able to better prepare for the next drop. Since the first hill is the most dramatic, everything else that comes is easier to digest. But, in order to find this out, she had to make it through the first hill.

            

            There are a few things I would like for you to take from this story…

1.  It helps to have positive motivators around you. The scared kid had others around her who encouraged her to face her fears. They even took the ride with her. They didn’t bash her and make her feel insecure about her fear. Not everyone will encourage you. And sometimes you may have to take steps alone. But, it is always comforting to know that someone else believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself 100%. This is what my brother and I provide for one another. I would suggest that you surround yourself with positive, nonjudgmental people who believe in you and believe in themselves.

2. The fear didn’t go away before the little girl boarded the roller coaster. As she buckled in, she felt the fear. As she moved up the tracks, she felt the fear. As she sped down the hill, she felt the fear. The fear was there with her the entire time. But, she completed the ride in spite of the fear being present. She didn’t let it stop her. It is normal to feel fear. But, sometimes you have to carry it with you in order to take action and move forward. Don’t give it the power to keep you stagnant… unless you are content staying on the ground for the rest of your life and watching others enjoy the thrill of the ride.

3.  The first hill was the most difficult to get through. Speaking in terms of physics, the first hill of a roller coaster must always be the tallest. Since roller coasters depend on gravity and momentum to complete the course, the subsequent hills are all a little shorter. Like in life, the first hill of a roller coaster (our first encounter with various circumstances) takes the most energy and introduces us to the unknown. By the time the second hill comes around, we can depend on prior knowledge and experience to make things a little easier. Once the car gets going initially, it allows its own energy and momentum to carry it all the way through to the end.

4. I didn’t say this in the story, but let's assume that she realized how much she enjoyed the ride once the car came to a stop. Maybe she wanted to ride again. Maybe she thought like many of us do after we have faced our fears and overcome an obstacle: “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually pretty cool!” Even if she didn’t enjoy it, she now knows how it feels and will not have to live regretfully thinking about what it would have been like to take the ride.

      It takes knowledge of and acceptance of self, honesty, and a certain degree of comfort to admit fear. What if the little girl had told herself and the others that she couldn’t ride because she had just finished eating? Or because someone needed to stay behind to hold everyone’s stuff? We can always make excuses. But, no solution can come of this.

            Over the weekend, my brother set small goals (with deadlines) for the week to help him move toward completing his project. He will be done soon. And I will be here to encourage him to get moving on the next one.

Here is a short poem for your enjoyment…

Come To The Edge

Come to the edge, He said.

They said: We are afraid.

Come to the edge, He said.

They came. He pushed them,

And they flew…

Written by Christopher Logue. Dedicated to Guillaume Apollinaire